Ps... I Love You

I saw a most moving movie today. Ps. I love you. And it was great.

I had been in a very foul mood all day long. Cursing everyone including me in my mind. May be even the bedpost and edging suicidal. It was pretty awful. I am not a very emotive person but I’m very sensitive. That makes it worse cause things just lay down there for ages. And today things got a way out of hand… and just keeping my eyes open caused tears to start welling.

But then my supreme ego would not allow me to cry, would it? So feigned being asleep so that my eyes remain closed. So you know pretty lame but well…

So then, to add to the over senti mood already I decided to watch this movie. I had heard my friends say that it was great and I was dying to watch it. I had also read the book. I didn’t find it that awesome; it made a good read though.

I worked on procuring the movie from my friends and then sat down to watch it. It was a beautiful experience. All the little gestures of affection, all the purity and longing captured on film. The despair and the pain not overdone… beautiful! And that’s I guess the only word I can procure to describe it.

I can’t help comparing it to the book. It was way better. It was so alive and full of hope. I didn’t find a fragment of negativity. And I feel somehow stronger to deal with many of my issues as well. Compared to the movie, the book had so much of the grey areas. Still, both were emotionally satisfying.

I guess I am so overwhelmed that though I have to study for some major entrance examinations, I couldn’t resist the urge to blog. I had shut down my pc…came back and started writing again. This feeling of being overwhelmed could explain the crudeness of my speech here. It’s a long time I have been so satisfied. Almost happy, I don’t know why. It’s been a long time since I was so positively overwhelmed.

You know, its tough to tell people about your secrets. They might be unpleasant and people could judge you. We don’t want to b outcasts. Or maybe just don’t want people to disagree with what we believe s true. So we keep secrets. I am sure there are many more specifics of keeping secrets. It adds spice to our life, for example. Infact may be what I am trying to divulge on this page isn’t a secret. But an emotion which was once close to my heart and made my world go around.

And though I am pretty young to say so, I can say I had been in love. The serious love. The first serious love of my life, which I always knew wasn’t going to stay forever. But still in which I put a lot of my effort and maybe a whole lot more me. The purity in which I reveled for quite a long time. I guess it was three years. And it was beautiful. The feeling that it was indeed a race against time and one day it had to end was obviously there. But then, that didn’t stop me from enjoying the “now” then.

It’s a wonderful feeling to give. Its sometimes even better than to share. As you don’t really expect anything back in return. I don’t know if it is a self defense mechanism against hurt. But I found it to be true. Giving is better than sharing.

And that’s what I did. Give. Love. It was impractical to fall in love with such a person may be. I didn’t even love him or ever think I could at the start. I learnt to do it. It was still very rewarding, now as I look back. To spend time to think how you could do small things put a smile on his face. When a little word of praise can make your whole day. Even a little fight can make the world go round. A small gesture to show you, that yes, he is there by your side. Holding hands… intimacy transcending borders as one knows until one falls in love.

I had to prove myself over and over again. I constantly had to analyze what I was doing. I was a kid. And the enormity of what I was feeling scared me. My practical side and I guess reality had always made it clear that this wasn’t there to stay. It didn’t stop me from making one of the most major unconscious decisions on my life. To be with him then. To live in what started out as a fair tale. At least it started like that.

Three years of some of the most selfless things I have done. I guess being in love make you a better person. Makes you see so much positivity around you. Makes you so much more conscious. You feel beautiful and that’s the only way to describe it.

As I’m writing this there’s a faint smile tugging at my lips. I have come a long way and it has been three years since. I had to make that final conscious decision and push him away. I guess it was the best for both of us. Anything else would have been a disaster.

It was tough. Tough to give up. To tear out a part of your heart and to pretend as it was never yours and you mistook it to be something else. But fairytales end. And people wake up from their dreams. I woke up too… guess what, when I woke up it was not a fairytale. The reality had changed. It had become a nightmare. And it continued right afterwards.

I severed every contact between us. Even tried to make him hate me. Realization dawned slowly… and I found out I should have enough reason to hate him too. He had manipulated me in twisted ways. Evil ways. But I found no strength to do that. Could not bear that thought even.

I spent two years trying to fall out of love. I thought about him every day though. I tried to deny myself the only thing I had ever wanted. And all that time he was right in front of him. I guess I had driven him away to some extent when one day he just walked past me as if I was invisible.

But I guess, didn’t I want that? Then why did it have to hurt so… 2 years. I lived hating myself each day… pining. Its physical this hurt. Like someone put iron bands around your chest as you slowly suffocate.

I relived each moment, each day. I just could not get myself out or bear to think about forgetting him. To think about a life without him.

My friends, god bless them, helped me a lot. Bit by bit, I have learnt to stand up again. I think I have succeeded and the universe is back in order again. Seeing him or his memories doesn’t affect me like ghosts anymore. I have learnt to accept my past and move ahead.

I am almost happy, I was almost happy. This past one year, I have taken time to recuperate. And I am proud of myself.

It’s a powerful and lethal drug…Love.

I wish everyone should experience as powerful emotions that I felt once, in their lifetime. Just maybe the endings can be better. :D

So when I saw this movie today… I couldn’t miss the optimism they portrayed with which Holly came back around. And instead of gong sentimental and sad, I rather feel good at what I have been able to achieve for the past one year. It’s tough to lose some one you care for that much… and try to live your life again with your maximum potential. To fall out of love.

Yes, it’s good to be back on your feet. Perhaps, even waiting for the next best thing!