Thought

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Looking Back

It has been a long time since I remembered and that gives me all the satisfaction I need. Time is a healer is something I can believe now. My own conviction that I have forgotten is confirmed by the fact that memories I clung to once, have flowed out of my hand like grains of sand. Its harder to remember even if I try to. The wistfulness is there sometimes of the lost glow of warmth but that is all. The pain doesn’t bother to come back though I can never forget that.

The hole I had once in my heart has almost healed. The hole which was physically real. Which pained physically and constricted breathing. Which can make you shake and shudder while you just wait for it to pass. One awful moment after other as you are helpless. Bittersweet as pain is the only reminder that it happened and existed. And all was not hallucination or imagination.

But why do I write this if it doesn’t matter at all? Because two things happened. First, I managed to forget his birthday. Yes, I didn’t remember it at all. And when I finally realized this it was ironically on mine. The point is, surprisingly I was very happy about it. No trace of wistfulness even. Almost free that I did not need to bow down to the obligations of ‘loyally’ remembering such things.

I was then with two of my friends who had helped me a lot to get over this pan. And to share this with them immediately added to the sense of my triumph. One little battle won.

Then the second reason. Just because my hole doesn’t bother me now, I can never be sure if it has healed. Never. Cause loneliness can always return. And I can’t really ever forget the pain I had gone through. Recently I am reading this book which described the pain so close to my reality that it brought a flood of memories. Of the pain and loneliness and not of him. The warmth is still missing in a way. But it doesn’t affect me that much. I am hopeful and hence, I wait.

So, always like an irony, my life gives me two stocks of view. He is gone. But reminders remain. Is that normal? I am not hurting anymore. Is this completely true? Am I whole again? I have no option but again to wait patiently for time to deliver my answers. That is all I can do.