Leaf in spring

Spring always does come

Doesn’t it?

The trees are covered and green

The soil is fresh with new growth

All that was dead has passed away

And lies no more on the ground

To trod on and forget…

But irony of ironies

Is that leaf which was dead

Maybe found not its last journey

And is now one with the soil

With love they put forward new shoots

Which I know, we shall remember

Adding to our lives silently.

I oft do wonder, if the leaf parted from its tree

Did it hurt to forget years or maybe days together,

Or was it a sweet end?

Did you get closure ?

Or leaf, did you look for permission to set forth again…?

Tell me what should I look for now.

May be you know, I am reading it all wrong

For in my doubt, the truth still I know not.

Maybe its your brothers leaf, you would miss

When you finally do yield to your love for soil.

And it’s a new world and a happy one

Cause you do meet them again

And all your friends,

Someday on the ground again

Amongst the things that grow.

Spring to us so merry

Festive and bright

Makes me almost forget the wind

That blows on the old tree.

I am restless. If yet spring hasn’t come

Don’t make them memories be shaken…

But spring does come

Always… Doesn’t it?

The branches dance on the rising wind

The old bark can creak

But they all laugh and cry

As the time flies by, root to leaf…

Maybe its not about the time

Maybe the anger wasn’t at the wind

And the branches weren’t jealous of the soil.

I don’t understand all of it yet.

What does the leaf, of the spring try to achieve?

What does the flirtatious wind want?

Or the tree desire.

I am too young still maybe to decipher

And would be young in this sense forever perhaps.

Young shoots still would grow

With hope of some light and rain and love,

And amidst all this

Only this I understand.

From the ashes

It has been two months now that I have left Delhi behind. It has been a long time. During this time I have realised that I am actually capable of missing home. I really like the little overcrowded house we have. The little things that we, Bengalis tend to accumulate that we never throw away… my grandma perennially shouting on grandpa cause he cant hear anything… the 'perceived' lack of privacy or freedom.

I miss my family, my home, my colony, my friends. My mother … in so many ways. Running after me to make me partake my meals, organise my bookshelf, take a bath even perhaps. Hostel life is fun. We get to do everything on our own. And I realised that was it, everything on our own. There is no one you can ask for a glass of water. And furthermore, you have to go down a flight of stairs to get it instead. There is no one to fall back upon. Even with all the fun you have with your wingies, you are always essentially alone. Alone to adjust, to carve a niche for yourself, to realise what you want, to get that which you wanted, to make friends, to love the people around and to become befriended. Its all about the people. Work too involves them. And your equation always has to be the best with them. There is no other way.

Well, so much for the freedom we get here. My room is always in a perennial mess. I get to stay messed up too. All night and day, if I want. I can talk on phone for long. I have my own laptop now. And there is fun unlimited. But at the same time I would have liked someone bossing me around. I guess, 19 years of my life instantly makes me miss that. :P Still, it is almost as if I have two compartments to my life. My home life and my college life.

Best of both worlds isn’t possible. You live in one only at a point of time. You see the good and bad of each one. And you best all the trials.

The last time I went home for the weekend, I just slept off the days and the nights. Like all the other times, I went home. I conclude I must miss my bed or that I miss sleep itself. The over-enthusiastic part of me has jumped into tons of college activities and now, I hardly have time to sleep. Oh well….

Then home food. Bengali cuisine. Mom cooking…

I miss everything. Chicken, kheer, chutney, fish too... Food is always a downer in hostel life. I guess, everyone who ever lived in a hostel would have complained about that!!!

But, in the ups and downs, there are a lot of ups. I have found great friends here too. I keep wanting to share my life with my other friends in Delhi too. Atleast my friend circle is enlarging. I am happy that it can never shrink. My group here, which came into existence on the second day of my college life, is awesome fun. We have the best times ever. We watch each others backs. We pull pranks, we dance, we sing, we do stupidest of things and talk utter crap. And we enjoy. Ohh… yess. We sometimes study together too.

I have found many new avenues here in terms of work. I am finally learning photography. I am handling dslrs and learning about them. I am learning many new techniques and from the experience of my seniors. I am practising something that was very close to my heart and still is… photography. I also joined the debating society. And I am learning. Learning loads. I just need to figure out my time management. I really need to take care of my academics now. Time management!!!

And finally, the last cobwebs of the dingy past have been wiped away. I am with this ‘nice guy’ here. I am learning again to trust, to love, to heal and to forget.

All the pieces are littered on the floor. They make sense at times and at times they don’t. I am really trying to figure out whatever is it that they mean or should mean. They will fall into place I am sure. And soon. But all along, though I am trying to go with the flow, it always isn’t the best thing to do. And in between these phases, the figuring out and the correcting is taking place.

I am learning to surf as if, between waves and on them.

With this, I come out of the sabbatical from my blog. It has been long that I kept writing away from me. And its time I returned.

The Betting Psychology

One of my friends is not very happy today. He was feeling sad and dejected as his self confidence has taken a blow. I was trying very hard to cheer him up. Do whatever is in my power to boost his ego and somehow make him feel better.

He is so adorable. To see any of my friends sad makes me unhappy. And I plainly do whatever it is in my power to make them feel good again even if I have to put up with minor inconveniences. But I just can’t leave them like that. I know many of you do that do. We all do love our friends so much, don’t we?

We had made up a plan to meet up tomorrow. And there he went saying that he didn’t want to come, as he wasn’t in the mood. That he wasn’t worthy of my time and other weird sentimental dialogues that we never know we are capable of giving until we actually do, under sad hormones that are then coursing through our blood and brains.

So, I kept trying to make him see sense. Being very positive, reminding him that he is one of the best friends in my life. That he is most awesome, handsome, boy etc etc. but to no avail. I mean I should have recorded the amount of positive things I said and with that much feeling; later on when I will be going through my weird mood swings then if I played back half the stuff…. I would be feeling great. But still, nothing moved the drama queen, who was the woebegone-est price ever.

So I got tired and pissed and told him if he wants to come he can. If he doesn’t then fine. But I had enough of his self depreciation. And I hung up.

After some time he calls me up again, and in a small voice says sorry. He understands that he was being a jerk. Then again I believe he was thrown off by my hanging up on him. He had probably expected me not to shout on him either as he was sad. So, he probably did an unconscious double take and became sensible again…: p hehehe!

Then, he goes in a small voice that “Am I still invited?” I say, “Of course, you are! But I know you are not going to come!”

That did it. He rose to the bait. We decided to bet. I treat him if he comes and tactfully I wasn’t too interested in “if I won the bet” part. Never the less, subtle hints that I might win have spurred him on… I hope reverse psychology works! And I think it would. :D