The Betting Psychology

One of my friends is not very happy today. He was feeling sad and dejected as his self confidence has taken a blow. I was trying very hard to cheer him up. Do whatever is in my power to boost his ego and somehow make him feel better.

He is so adorable. To see any of my friends sad makes me unhappy. And I plainly do whatever it is in my power to make them feel good again even if I have to put up with minor inconveniences. But I just can’t leave them like that. I know many of you do that do. We all do love our friends so much, don’t we?

We had made up a plan to meet up tomorrow. And there he went saying that he didn’t want to come, as he wasn’t in the mood. That he wasn’t worthy of my time and other weird sentimental dialogues that we never know we are capable of giving until we actually do, under sad hormones that are then coursing through our blood and brains.

So, I kept trying to make him see sense. Being very positive, reminding him that he is one of the best friends in my life. That he is most awesome, handsome, boy etc etc. but to no avail. I mean I should have recorded the amount of positive things I said and with that much feeling; later on when I will be going through my weird mood swings then if I played back half the stuff…. I would be feeling great. But still, nothing moved the drama queen, who was the woebegone-est price ever.

So I got tired and pissed and told him if he wants to come he can. If he doesn’t then fine. But I had enough of his self depreciation. And I hung up.

After some time he calls me up again, and in a small voice says sorry. He understands that he was being a jerk. Then again I believe he was thrown off by my hanging up on him. He had probably expected me not to shout on him either as he was sad. So, he probably did an unconscious double take and became sensible again…: p hehehe!

Then, he goes in a small voice that “Am I still invited?” I say, “Of course, you are! But I know you are not going to come!”

That did it. He rose to the bait. We decided to bet. I treat him if he comes and tactfully I wasn’t too interested in “if I won the bet” part. Never the less, subtle hints that I might win have spurred him on… I hope reverse psychology works! And I think it would. :D

Pressure???

Pressure breeds pressure. Though I give my best under pressure, I have always wondered if it’s entirely necessary. The reason I stay away from work may be the fact that I loathe pressure or the circumstances under which I have been pressurized. I don’t know if both are synonymous or that I’m trying to come up with an excuse for my laziness. I don’t know if I’m lazy either.

But that is all I can say at this moment. I have AIEEE tomorrow. See, so I’m under Pressure. Rest of this will come later. And then again, I have to Perform now, as I screwed up the second paper of my JEE. I shall have to blog about that too but later.

But as one of my friends said to me yesterday, don’t try to do great things and set great goals. Set small ones, and achieve them. Feel good. And try to be a better person everyday. Try doing little better than what you did yesterday.

And I’m sure I can do that.

MY OWN

Its one of those days
When I think about the days gone by.
Its one of those days
When the wind rides by
The heather grass bears my heart
And perhaps I am lost.

Yes, I remain entangled in the mesh
Of nostalgia, discovery and loss.
As I live today and yesterday
And sun rises twice over
Just for me and only me.
And I go on thinking that I posses the earth
And only I matter.

All those who leave me
Perhaps didn’t exist. And the tears and promises
Were the part of my universe creating imagination
As nothing sad could be my fate, the master
The master, if only of my world.

And may I say that I am happy?

I fly every day
And from high above I tell the philistines
That the thorns are just animals in hibernation
That I will live like life soon.
And perhaps the tanks and missiles in my world
Are spires of a fictitious castle?
And all disillusionment is not real
And I can live in an illusion
In my own world.

Until the day
My heart grows so heavy
That imagination of an otherwise perfect world breaks
And perhaps that day won’t be far
When the sun won’t rise at all
And devoid of colors I can’t paint
The illusion would fade
And thorns would be thorns
My world just mine
With me alone.
Would I be happy then?

Ps... I Love You

I saw a most moving movie today. Ps. I love you. And it was great.

I had been in a very foul mood all day long. Cursing everyone including me in my mind. May be even the bedpost and edging suicidal. It was pretty awful. I am not a very emotive person but I’m very sensitive. That makes it worse cause things just lay down there for ages. And today things got a way out of hand… and just keeping my eyes open caused tears to start welling.

But then my supreme ego would not allow me to cry, would it? So feigned being asleep so that my eyes remain closed. So you know pretty lame but well…

So then, to add to the over senti mood already I decided to watch this movie. I had heard my friends say that it was great and I was dying to watch it. I had also read the book. I didn’t find it that awesome; it made a good read though.

I worked on procuring the movie from my friends and then sat down to watch it. It was a beautiful experience. All the little gestures of affection, all the purity and longing captured on film. The despair and the pain not overdone… beautiful! And that’s I guess the only word I can procure to describe it.

I can’t help comparing it to the book. It was way better. It was so alive and full of hope. I didn’t find a fragment of negativity. And I feel somehow stronger to deal with many of my issues as well. Compared to the movie, the book had so much of the grey areas. Still, both were emotionally satisfying.

I guess I am so overwhelmed that though I have to study for some major entrance examinations, I couldn’t resist the urge to blog. I had shut down my pc…came back and started writing again. This feeling of being overwhelmed could explain the crudeness of my speech here. It’s a long time I have been so satisfied. Almost happy, I don’t know why. It’s been a long time since I was so positively overwhelmed.

You know, its tough to tell people about your secrets. They might be unpleasant and people could judge you. We don’t want to b outcasts. Or maybe just don’t want people to disagree with what we believe s true. So we keep secrets. I am sure there are many more specifics of keeping secrets. It adds spice to our life, for example. Infact may be what I am trying to divulge on this page isn’t a secret. But an emotion which was once close to my heart and made my world go around.

And though I am pretty young to say so, I can say I had been in love. The serious love. The first serious love of my life, which I always knew wasn’t going to stay forever. But still in which I put a lot of my effort and maybe a whole lot more me. The purity in which I reveled for quite a long time. I guess it was three years. And it was beautiful. The feeling that it was indeed a race against time and one day it had to end was obviously there. But then, that didn’t stop me from enjoying the “now” then.

It’s a wonderful feeling to give. Its sometimes even better than to share. As you don’t really expect anything back in return. I don’t know if it is a self defense mechanism against hurt. But I found it to be true. Giving is better than sharing.

And that’s what I did. Give. Love. It was impractical to fall in love with such a person may be. I didn’t even love him or ever think I could at the start. I learnt to do it. It was still very rewarding, now as I look back. To spend time to think how you could do small things put a smile on his face. When a little word of praise can make your whole day. Even a little fight can make the world go round. A small gesture to show you, that yes, he is there by your side. Holding hands… intimacy transcending borders as one knows until one falls in love.

I had to prove myself over and over again. I constantly had to analyze what I was doing. I was a kid. And the enormity of what I was feeling scared me. My practical side and I guess reality had always made it clear that this wasn’t there to stay. It didn’t stop me from making one of the most major unconscious decisions on my life. To be with him then. To live in what started out as a fair tale. At least it started like that.

Three years of some of the most selfless things I have done. I guess being in love make you a better person. Makes you see so much positivity around you. Makes you so much more conscious. You feel beautiful and that’s the only way to describe it.

As I’m writing this there’s a faint smile tugging at my lips. I have come a long way and it has been three years since. I had to make that final conscious decision and push him away. I guess it was the best for both of us. Anything else would have been a disaster.

It was tough. Tough to give up. To tear out a part of your heart and to pretend as it was never yours and you mistook it to be something else. But fairytales end. And people wake up from their dreams. I woke up too… guess what, when I woke up it was not a fairytale. The reality had changed. It had become a nightmare. And it continued right afterwards.

I severed every contact between us. Even tried to make him hate me. Realization dawned slowly… and I found out I should have enough reason to hate him too. He had manipulated me in twisted ways. Evil ways. But I found no strength to do that. Could not bear that thought even.

I spent two years trying to fall out of love. I thought about him every day though. I tried to deny myself the only thing I had ever wanted. And all that time he was right in front of him. I guess I had driven him away to some extent when one day he just walked past me as if I was invisible.

But I guess, didn’t I want that? Then why did it have to hurt so… 2 years. I lived hating myself each day… pining. Its physical this hurt. Like someone put iron bands around your chest as you slowly suffocate.

I relived each moment, each day. I just could not get myself out or bear to think about forgetting him. To think about a life without him.

My friends, god bless them, helped me a lot. Bit by bit, I have learnt to stand up again. I think I have succeeded and the universe is back in order again. Seeing him or his memories doesn’t affect me like ghosts anymore. I have learnt to accept my past and move ahead.

I am almost happy, I was almost happy. This past one year, I have taken time to recuperate. And I am proud of myself.

It’s a powerful and lethal drug…Love.

I wish everyone should experience as powerful emotions that I felt once, in their lifetime. Just maybe the endings can be better. :D

So when I saw this movie today… I couldn’t miss the optimism they portrayed with which Holly came back around. And instead of gong sentimental and sad, I rather feel good at what I have been able to achieve for the past one year. It’s tough to lose some one you care for that much… and try to live your life again with your maximum potential. To fall out of love.

Yes, it’s good to be back on your feet. Perhaps, even waiting for the next best thing!

The Strife

Have you ever felt torn between duty that calls to you and what you would really like to do? Often whichever path you take is always at the cost of the other…

Closest and perhaps the things that have mattered to me most always have been surrounded by this dilemma. And recent events have again brought me face to facewith another battle, another strife. For acceptance.

To make people about whom you care understand that this is important to you. Fighting for support? No, that can’t be done. Support can’t be won. May be a grudging acceptance. But at this stage for me that would suffice.

Following one’s passion doesn’t mean that you forget responsibilities. Just because you might be absent minded doesn’t mean that you are callous. Everyone has their own space to develop, to work, to recreate and to rejuvenate. I have been incessantly trying to make some people understand that by saying all this, I don’t disrespect them. But rather ask them to recognize me as a cognitive individual. But then convincing the dearest is the hardest. Those who believe they have your best interests in their hearts and mind. Those, for whom we are still kids.

How hard is it to cross the line of a teenager to an adult? I have known being eighteen doesn’t make you an adult all of a sudden. Yes, I do believe I am not a kid exactly. Neither am I an adult. I don’t have the experience they have. But I still am trying to weave my own path. Trying something new is tough but trust me a bit. Allow me to make my mistakes. I am not stupid, not deluded. I am ready to take the risk. Let me learn.

I require the freedom to breathe; let my imagination fly, binge in highs which I am sure to get when I touch my passions…. When I work with things closest to my heart and soul.

I haven’t forgotten my responsibilities and the practicalities of life really. If even I be free for a moment, allow me to return to my passion. Are you scared that the lure of such pure pleasure would mislead me… if you stop me on that ground, I shall forever be compromising on my happiness.


I have seen people compromising for what they call the greater good. And I also have done that only for the past 15 years of my cognitive life now. And in both cases I have seen it just breeds frustration and anger. At yourself and at the misunderstandings… And then, the greater good doesn’t exist because such negativity lays its foundation. To what purpose then all the sacrifice?

I am not undermining any value system. But people shouldn’t suppress their dreams. No one can really let go of them and they keep returning over and over again. Each time you push them away trying to rationally behave, you just end up a bit more frustrated. A bit more hurt…

I have to yet carve my path. But I am working on that. Trying to break orthodox ideas, trying to realize what I feel. Trying to do many things. I know the risk is high but a will and a determination to succeed proceeds when you have such longing coursing through you.

When everything else blurs and just your goal, your objective shines in your eyes. It’s almost like the carrot on the stick. But this time it’s achievable.

Yes, strife and battle will exist. I shall have to keep on trying. It’s the only thing I can do.

Dew On Grass

This could be weird and this could be fun. The high of sharing little scandals of our lives with people who wouldn’t judge us is addictive. People who don’t know us, and hence haven’t any preconceived ideas about how we are. And so wouldn’t blame us if we acted otherwise and cracked their supreme egos…

Blogging…

A platform for me share. My views, things I resent, the last cute boy I saw, my hopelessly lost love life, a little bit… teeny-weeny bit of scandal, and the “why me” syndrome among others.

And may be on the periods through which I go through the writer’s block I may give u a bit on my struggles… And the Sad things in life which again exist in any life.

I have maintained a diary on my computer in which I put in incidences which impress me out of ordinary. Also I majorly vent into it as writing about stuff helps me calm down. I haven’t been basically the person who always has to have the agony aunt for the deepest of things. So the strangely personal and detached diary helps… By the way, it was scandalous enough so had to remove it from dad’s laptop. :p

So all said and done, I guess I could add some of the hilarious things which happen to me, or I cause them (in an attempt to better understand them perhaps? ) here for all of us.

It should be fun.

And this is my first blog… and that reason enough to announce it as special. Hah!!! You better agree readers.



P.S. : I love to comment on others blogs. So you know, get the cue. :D