Leaf in spring

Spring always does come

Doesn’t it?

The trees are covered and green

The soil is fresh with new growth

All that was dead has passed away

And lies no more on the ground

To trod on and forget…

But irony of ironies

Is that leaf which was dead

Maybe found not its last journey

And is now one with the soil

With love they put forward new shoots

Which I know, we shall remember

Adding to our lives silently.

I oft do wonder, if the leaf parted from its tree

Did it hurt to forget years or maybe days together,

Or was it a sweet end?

Did you get closure ?

Or leaf, did you look for permission to set forth again…?

Tell me what should I look for now.

May be you know, I am reading it all wrong

For in my doubt, the truth still I know not.

Maybe its your brothers leaf, you would miss

When you finally do yield to your love for soil.

And it’s a new world and a happy one

Cause you do meet them again

And all your friends,

Someday on the ground again

Amongst the things that grow.

Spring to us so merry

Festive and bright

Makes me almost forget the wind

That blows on the old tree.

I am restless. If yet spring hasn’t come

Don’t make them memories be shaken…

But spring does come

Always… Doesn’t it?

The branches dance on the rising wind

The old bark can creak

But they all laugh and cry

As the time flies by, root to leaf…

Maybe its not about the time

Maybe the anger wasn’t at the wind

And the branches weren’t jealous of the soil.

I don’t understand all of it yet.

What does the leaf, of the spring try to achieve?

What does the flirtatious wind want?

Or the tree desire.

I am too young still maybe to decipher

And would be young in this sense forever perhaps.

Young shoots still would grow

With hope of some light and rain and love,

And amidst all this

Only this I understand.

From the ashes

It has been two months now that I have left Delhi behind. It has been a long time. During this time I have realised that I am actually capable of missing home. I really like the little overcrowded house we have. The little things that we, Bengalis tend to accumulate that we never throw away… my grandma perennially shouting on grandpa cause he cant hear anything… the 'perceived' lack of privacy or freedom.

I miss my family, my home, my colony, my friends. My mother … in so many ways. Running after me to make me partake my meals, organise my bookshelf, take a bath even perhaps. Hostel life is fun. We get to do everything on our own. And I realised that was it, everything on our own. There is no one you can ask for a glass of water. And furthermore, you have to go down a flight of stairs to get it instead. There is no one to fall back upon. Even with all the fun you have with your wingies, you are always essentially alone. Alone to adjust, to carve a niche for yourself, to realise what you want, to get that which you wanted, to make friends, to love the people around and to become befriended. Its all about the people. Work too involves them. And your equation always has to be the best with them. There is no other way.

Well, so much for the freedom we get here. My room is always in a perennial mess. I get to stay messed up too. All night and day, if I want. I can talk on phone for long. I have my own laptop now. And there is fun unlimited. But at the same time I would have liked someone bossing me around. I guess, 19 years of my life instantly makes me miss that. :P Still, it is almost as if I have two compartments to my life. My home life and my college life.

Best of both worlds isn’t possible. You live in one only at a point of time. You see the good and bad of each one. And you best all the trials.

The last time I went home for the weekend, I just slept off the days and the nights. Like all the other times, I went home. I conclude I must miss my bed or that I miss sleep itself. The over-enthusiastic part of me has jumped into tons of college activities and now, I hardly have time to sleep. Oh well….

Then home food. Bengali cuisine. Mom cooking…

I miss everything. Chicken, kheer, chutney, fish too... Food is always a downer in hostel life. I guess, everyone who ever lived in a hostel would have complained about that!!!

But, in the ups and downs, there are a lot of ups. I have found great friends here too. I keep wanting to share my life with my other friends in Delhi too. Atleast my friend circle is enlarging. I am happy that it can never shrink. My group here, which came into existence on the second day of my college life, is awesome fun. We have the best times ever. We watch each others backs. We pull pranks, we dance, we sing, we do stupidest of things and talk utter crap. And we enjoy. Ohh… yess. We sometimes study together too.

I have found many new avenues here in terms of work. I am finally learning photography. I am handling dslrs and learning about them. I am learning many new techniques and from the experience of my seniors. I am practising something that was very close to my heart and still is… photography. I also joined the debating society. And I am learning. Learning loads. I just need to figure out my time management. I really need to take care of my academics now. Time management!!!

And finally, the last cobwebs of the dingy past have been wiped away. I am with this ‘nice guy’ here. I am learning again to trust, to love, to heal and to forget.

All the pieces are littered on the floor. They make sense at times and at times they don’t. I am really trying to figure out whatever is it that they mean or should mean. They will fall into place I am sure. And soon. But all along, though I am trying to go with the flow, it always isn’t the best thing to do. And in between these phases, the figuring out and the correcting is taking place.

I am learning to surf as if, between waves and on them.

With this, I come out of the sabbatical from my blog. It has been long that I kept writing away from me. And its time I returned.

Thought

Er, friends. I originally had another blog. www.tnahpster.blogspot.com
If any of you wish it so, you may check it out.
Have fun...

Looking Back

It has been a long time since I remembered and that gives me all the satisfaction I need. Time is a healer is something I can believe now. My own conviction that I have forgotten is confirmed by the fact that memories I clung to once, have flowed out of my hand like grains of sand. Its harder to remember even if I try to. The wistfulness is there sometimes of the lost glow of warmth but that is all. The pain doesn’t bother to come back though I can never forget that.

The hole I had once in my heart has almost healed. The hole which was physically real. Which pained physically and constricted breathing. Which can make you shake and shudder while you just wait for it to pass. One awful moment after other as you are helpless. Bittersweet as pain is the only reminder that it happened and existed. And all was not hallucination or imagination.

But why do I write this if it doesn’t matter at all? Because two things happened. First, I managed to forget his birthday. Yes, I didn’t remember it at all. And when I finally realized this it was ironically on mine. The point is, surprisingly I was very happy about it. No trace of wistfulness even. Almost free that I did not need to bow down to the obligations of ‘loyally’ remembering such things.

I was then with two of my friends who had helped me a lot to get over this pan. And to share this with them immediately added to the sense of my triumph. One little battle won.

Then the second reason. Just because my hole doesn’t bother me now, I can never be sure if it has healed. Never. Cause loneliness can always return. And I can’t really ever forget the pain I had gone through. Recently I am reading this book which described the pain so close to my reality that it brought a flood of memories. Of the pain and loneliness and not of him. The warmth is still missing in a way. But it doesn’t affect me that much. I am hopeful and hence, I wait.

So, always like an irony, my life gives me two stocks of view. He is gone. But reminders remain. Is that normal? I am not hurting anymore. Is this completely true? Am I whole again? I have no option but again to wait patiently for time to deliver my answers. That is all I can do.

Faith

As, the flower shall come each spring

So shall the butterfly for its sweet nectar.

Though it will perish soon

But the legacy will continue on the underside of a mere leaf.

A new story, a new start the does have faith

In the coming spring

And the blossoming nectar of the future's promise.

MY VIEWS: WRITTEN LONG BACK

What does prayer to God mean to you?
Prayer is a child’s cry to his mother. It is recognizing God’s power and presence for us. It is a conversation between the creator and the creature—the father and the child. It is something which makes me feel a channel of peace to this world. Prayer is such a conversation which strengthens and fortifies my belief in the Almighty. It is a type of friendship which everybody experiences unasked. Prayer is not something which is only to be said in a temple, church or mosque. It can be said whenever and wherever we are. Prayers can work miracles. All we need is faith.

What do you think about God?
God is the divine presence with whom I share each moment of my life. He is someone who will always guide and protect me wherever I am and whatever I may be doing. He is someone who acutely knows what I am thinking and on whom I always rely for strength. Whatever I may be at, I always ask of his advice…. and I get it too. I always feel his presence by my side through times good or bad. He is my best friend whom I love withholding nothing back. May be someday when my philosophical thoughts and my soul have refined themselves enough, he will bless me so I can see him like anyone else. I still have a long way till there but I rely on his encouragement each day to get there step by step. Meanwhile I am happy with my daily recourses with that great indivisible one who runs as threads through everything. And you know what; I thus have a part of him in my little heart….right here with me.

The Betting Psychology

One of my friends is not very happy today. He was feeling sad and dejected as his self confidence has taken a blow. I was trying very hard to cheer him up. Do whatever is in my power to boost his ego and somehow make him feel better.

He is so adorable. To see any of my friends sad makes me unhappy. And I plainly do whatever it is in my power to make them feel good again even if I have to put up with minor inconveniences. But I just can’t leave them like that. I know many of you do that do. We all do love our friends so much, don’t we?

We had made up a plan to meet up tomorrow. And there he went saying that he didn’t want to come, as he wasn’t in the mood. That he wasn’t worthy of my time and other weird sentimental dialogues that we never know we are capable of giving until we actually do, under sad hormones that are then coursing through our blood and brains.

So, I kept trying to make him see sense. Being very positive, reminding him that he is one of the best friends in my life. That he is most awesome, handsome, boy etc etc. but to no avail. I mean I should have recorded the amount of positive things I said and with that much feeling; later on when I will be going through my weird mood swings then if I played back half the stuff…. I would be feeling great. But still, nothing moved the drama queen, who was the woebegone-est price ever.

So I got tired and pissed and told him if he wants to come he can. If he doesn’t then fine. But I had enough of his self depreciation. And I hung up.

After some time he calls me up again, and in a small voice says sorry. He understands that he was being a jerk. Then again I believe he was thrown off by my hanging up on him. He had probably expected me not to shout on him either as he was sad. So, he probably did an unconscious double take and became sensible again…: p hehehe!

Then, he goes in a small voice that “Am I still invited?” I say, “Of course, you are! But I know you are not going to come!”

That did it. He rose to the bait. We decided to bet. I treat him if he comes and tactfully I wasn’t too interested in “if I won the bet” part. Never the less, subtle hints that I might win have spurred him on… I hope reverse psychology works! And I think it would. :D

Pressure???

Pressure breeds pressure. Though I give my best under pressure, I have always wondered if it’s entirely necessary. The reason I stay away from work may be the fact that I loathe pressure or the circumstances under which I have been pressurized. I don’t know if both are synonymous or that I’m trying to come up with an excuse for my laziness. I don’t know if I’m lazy either.

But that is all I can say at this moment. I have AIEEE tomorrow. See, so I’m under Pressure. Rest of this will come later. And then again, I have to Perform now, as I screwed up the second paper of my JEE. I shall have to blog about that too but later.

But as one of my friends said to me yesterday, don’t try to do great things and set great goals. Set small ones, and achieve them. Feel good. And try to be a better person everyday. Try doing little better than what you did yesterday.

And I’m sure I can do that.